The Dude is propelled across the bedroom and on into a small
               bathroom, the satchel once again taking away a piece of
               doorframe.  His head is plunged into the toilet.  The paper
               bag hugged to his chest explodes milk as it hits the toilet
               rim and the satchel pulverizes tile as it crashes to the
               floor.

               The Dude blows bubbles.

                                     VOICE
                         We want that money, .  Bunny
                         said you were good for it.

               Hands haul the Dude out of the toilet. The Dude blubbers and
               gasps for air.

                                     VOICE
                         Where's the money, !

               His head is plunged back into the toilet.

                                     VOICE
                         Where's the money!

               The hands haul him out again, dripping and gasping.

                                     VOICE
                         WHERE'S THE FUCKING MONEY, SHITHEAD!

                                     DUDE
                         It's uh, it's down there somewhere. 
                         Lemme take another look.

               His head is plunged back in.

                                     VOICE
                         Don't fuck with us.  If your wife
                         owes money to Jackie Treehorn, that
                         means you owe money to Jackie
                         Treehorn.

               The inquisitor hauls the Dude's head out one last time and
               flops him over so that he sits on the floor, back against
               the toilet.

               The Dude gropes back in the toilet with one hand.

               Looming over him is a strapping blond man.

               Beyond in the living room a young Chinese man unzips his fly
               and walks over to a rug.

                                   

               He starts peeing on the rug.

               The Dude's hand comes out of the toilet bowl with his
               sunglasses.

                                     DUDE
                         Oh, man.  Don't do--

                                     BLOND MAN
                         You see what happens?  You see what
                         happens?

               The Dude puts on his dripping sunglasses.

                                     DUDE
                           You
                         got the wrong guy.  I'm the Dude,
                         man.

                                     BLOND MAN
                           Your wife is
                         Bunny.

                                     DUDE
                         Bunny?  Look, moron.

               He holds up his hands.

                                     DUDE
                         You see a wedding ring?  Does this
                         place look like I'm fucking married?  
                         All my plants are dead!

               The blond man stoops to unzip the satchel.  He pulls out a
               bowling ball and examines it in the manner of a superstitious
               native.

                                     BLOND MAN
                         The fuck is this?

               The Dude pats at his pockets, takes out a joint and lights
               it.

                                     DUDE
                         Obviously you're not a golfer.

               The blond man drops the ball which pulverizes more tile.

                                     BLOND MAN
                         Wasn't this guy supposed to be a
                         millionaire?

                        
                         He looks like a fuckin' loser.

               The Dude pulls his sunglasses down his nose with one finger
               and peeks over them.

                                     DUDE
                         Hey.  At least I'm housebroken.

              
                         Thanks a lot, asshole.

                                             
                                     WALTER
                         This was a valued rug.

              

                                     WALTER
                         This was, uh--

                                     DUDE
                         Yeah man, it really tied the room
                         together--

                                    

                                  
                              
                                     DUDE
                         What's your point, Walter?

                                     WALTER
                         There's no fucking reason--here's my
                         point, Dude--there's no fucking reason--

                                     DONNY
                         Yeah Walter, what's your point?

                                     WALTER
                         Huh?

                                     DUDE
                         What's the point of--we all know who
                         was at fault, so what the fuck are
                         you talking about?

                                     WALTER
                         Huh?  No!  What the fuck are you
                         talking--I'm not--we're talking about
                         unchecked aggression here--

                                 

                                     DUDE
                         This Chinaman who peed on my rug, I
                         can't go give him a bill so what the
                         fuck are you talking about?

                                     WALTER
                         What the fuck are you talking about?! 
                         This Chinaman is not the issue!  I'm
                         talking about drawing a line in the
                         sand, Dude.  Across this line you do
                         not, uh--and also, Dude, Chinaman is
                         not the preferred, uh. . . Asian-
                         American.  Please.

                                     DUDE
                         Walter, this is not a guy who built
                         the rail- roads, here, this is a guy
                         who peed on my--

                                     WALTER
                         What the fuck are you--

                                     DUDE
                         Walter, he peed on my rug--

                                 

                              
                             
                                     WALTER
                          Come on.  This other
                         guy The millionaire. 
                         He's gonna be easier to find anyway
                         than these two, uh. these two  . . .
                         And he has the wealth, uh, the
                         resources obviously, and there is no
                         reason, no FUCKING reason, why his
                         wife should go out and owe money and
                         they pee on your rug.  Am I wrong?

                                     DUDE
                         No, but--

                                     WALTER
                         Am I wrong!

                                
             
                                     DUDE
                         Fuckin' A.

                                   
                                     DUDE
                         Yeah, I could find this Lebowski guy--

                                 

                                     DUDE
                         Yeah, this is the guy, this guy should
                         compensate me for the fucking rug. 
                         I mean his wife goes out and owes
                         money and they pee on my rug.

                                     WALTER
                         Thaaat's right Dude; they pee on
                         your fucking Rug.

                              

                                     DUDE
                         Well sir, it's this rug I have, really
                         tied the room together-

                                     Old man

                         You told Brandt on the phone, he
                         told me.  So where do I fit in?

                                     DUDE
                         Well they were looking for you, these
                         two guys, they were trying to--

                                    Old man
                         I'll say it again, all right?  You
                         told Brandt.  He told me.  I know
                         what happened. Yes?  Yes?

                                     DUDE
                         So you know they were trying to piss
                         on your rug--

                                     old man
                         Did I urinate on your rug?

                                     DUDE
                         You mean, did you personally come
                         and pee on my--

                                   old man
                         Hello!  Do you speak English?  Parla
                         usted Inglese?  I'll say it again. 
                         Did I urinate on your rug?

                                     DUDE
                         Well no, like I said, Woo peed on
                         the rug--

                                     old man
                         Hello!  Hello!  So every time--I
                         just want to understand this, sir--
                         every time a rug is micturated upon
                         in this fair city, I have to
                         compensate the--

                                     DUDE
                         Come on, man, I'm not trying to scam
                         anybody here, I'm just--

                                     old man
                         You're just looking for a handout
                         like every other--are you employed,
                        ?

                                     DUDE
                         Look, let me explain something.  
                           I'm the Dude.  So that's 
                         what  you  call me.  That, or Duder.
                         His  Dudeness.  Or El Duderino, if, 
                         you know, you're not into the whole
                         brevity thing--

                                     old man

                         Are you employed, sir?

                                     DUDE
                         Employed?

                                     old man
                         You don't go out and make a living
                         dressed like that in the middle of a
                         weekday.

                                     DUDE
                         Is this a--what day is this?

                                    old man
                         But I do work, so if you don't mind--

                                     DUDE
                         No, look.  I do mind.  The Dude minds. 
                         This will not stand, ya know, this
                         will not stand, man.  I mean, if
                         your wife owes--

                                     old man
                         My wife is not the issue here. just
                         as your rug is your problem, just as
                         every bum's lot in life is his own
                         responsibility regardless of whom he
                         chooses to blame.  I didn't blame
                         anyone for the loss of my legs, some
                         chinaman in Korea took them from me
                         but I went out and achieved anyway. 
                         I can't solve your problems, sir,
                         only you can.

               The Dude rises.

                                     DUDE
                         Ah fuck it